On the subject of Me

Today's topic: Who am I?

So it's come to my attention by way of a third party that one of my few close relatives is massively confused about me and my transition.  There's also a misunderstanding over money she lent me for help with my ex, but I'm not as concerned about that as I am about having to explain.....well, myself really.  I find myself frustrated because of some of the ideas that have sprung up in the place of a full explanation.  I've been meaning to explain, but I'm not sure how to put it.  This particular relative is a little rural, but claims to be open-minded.  I say claims because one can always claim to be OK with something until it's in their face.  But some of the things that I've heard......*sigh*.

1. "This is a reaction to the break-up" - When I first started to think about my gender seriously, I was a sophomore in college.  I didn't see it as anything beyond cross-dressing at the time and after a while I stopped due to the twin pressures of an unsafe town and a insecurely jealous spouse.  So yes, after my break-up I began to think about it a little, but it wasn't until I started taking part in a radio show about sex and sexuality that I really started to look at it deeply again.  I started dressing female again, occasionally at first but after a few months I was doing it daily and feeling more at ease with myself.  When I lost my job, I also lost the only place I didn't feel comfortable being female.  Since then, I've been living as female as I can.  I told my relatives one by one how I felt dressed as a male, then starting dressing female around them as well.  I've tried to keep them in the loop as I progress and reassure them that this isn't something I'm rushing into.  I've been deliberate in taking the steps I've taken both for my family and for the sake of being certain.  I've also tried to encourage communication about it, leaving the floor open for questions anytime.  But if I'm not asked directly, how am I to respond?  Why should I have to hear through someone else that somebody has questions?  My family has my current phone number and I've tried to be in contact with them when I have news or want to talk.  How much do I have to give before they feel like they can start giving back?  How long will it take for them to get over my being cut off from them when I was with a controlling tyrant of a spouse?

2. "It's dressing up female that's keeping him from a job" - I am more than aware of the possibility of transphobia existing anywhere.  It's because of this that I live in an area that is a little more welcoming to folk like me.  I also try to apply to jobs and/or companies where gender isn't as important and being trans isn't as big of an issue.  When I go to an interview, I dress in a way that is clearly female and if there is confusion I've been lucky so far to have been respectfully asked what pronouns I prefer.  In short, I know how dangerous the world at large can be for someone like me.  I've made as little as I can in concessions to this because being scared to be myself for the sake of everyone else is what delayed my process back in college; I cannot shove myself back in.  And dressing male for the interview just to get the job and then have to come out after being employed makes no sense; it feels like a deception to approach it like that and would ultimately make me look worse to an employer.

3. "It'd be easier if I were just gay/liked men" - I can see the historical source of this argument.  Homosexuality and transsexuality were often lumped together to explain why some guys likes guys (because they secretly wanted to be women).  That is simply not true.  Who I sleep with and what body shape I feel I should have are not inextricably linked.  I've never had feelings for guys other than as friends and the thought of being more with a man it flat out appealing to me.  I do understand and appreciate male beauty when I see it, I just don't have any attraction to it.  At the same time, I haven't ever felt right as a male.  I look back and see myself as being male by default; I didn't have the knowledge that would allow me to think of myself as anything other than male.  There were inklings in my childhood that I may not truly be male, but I wasn't able to define it then.  I can't explain it for everyone but for me, being female feels closer to who I feel I already am.  It's kind of like a phantom limb; I felt the absence of female form no matter how much I tried to tell myself nothing was supposed to be there.  I agonized over how real this feeling was with my therapist for months before accepting that what I felt was missing was real.  Since then, I've been trying to do what I need to do to correct the void.  This includes secure the mental and physical healthcare needed as well as getting a job for financial and social stability.  My ultimate goal is to fully realize my identity.  I am considering surgical changes years down the line and for now I'm starting hormone treatment in the fall.  I may find I'm satisfied with just hormonal changes and go no further, but I may also go all the way with it.  But no matter how my form outside changes, inside it's still me in here.