*Standing astride a pile of rubble, sledgehammer over her shoulder*
After 2 years, I'm finally getting rid of her stuff. I delivered one last ultimatum a month ago saying to come get it in a month or I start dealing with it once and for all. Well the month came and went, so for the past two days I've started salvaging what little I could and lining up a way to donate the rest. By month's end it'll all be gone.
It's funny, when this all happened in 2009, I thought there might be a chance of civility. I thought that maybe I could end it all like a controlled explosion. It was all in the middle of a bad heat wave when it played out. It took me feeling like my brain was boiling before I could see that it was really over. I had fooled around with Loren and that was it. I had slept with other women before, but that was during a point where my ex and I weren't exclusive due to her falling in love with someone over the internet. When I did something with Loren, it was during a time which I'd pledged myself to my ex, so I do admit to that being somewhat wrong of me. However, things had already been deteriorating and this was merely the end of a long and steady nosedive. I'm not rehashing it all now, but needless to say had this event not caused the break-up then something else would have.
Since then, I have come a long way from it all. I've been able to admit that the last relationship I had was psychologically abusive. I've found about more about me and remembered some of the things about me I'd been made/encouraged to forget. Loren has been the bright day to my ex's dark night; though storms pass over us, Loren and I sail on. I've reconnected to my sister and now talk with her on a regular basis after a 6 year communication gap. I'm doing a little work now and then in my field & I'm even writing fiction again. I lost my job about a year and 4 months ago, but it was a shit job for lousy pay and I will find better when the jobs finally appear (I'll rant on that possibly, but later). In all, it's been tight financially and rough for my anxiety but it has been much better so far than it had been before.
I'm really looking forward to my future, which is something that I haven't said for quite sometime. I've had this fear that every time things are getting better, something bad will happen to yank it all away. My life thus far has had a lot of these peak and drop moments in heavy ways; doesn't do any good for the psyche. So whenever things get good, I get really scared. I worry about taking the good for granted because it's felt like when I start to, fate/destiny/etc. will come and pull the rug out from under me. I'm still learning to get over that, but I am learning to accept that I deserve good things to happen. I don't deserve it because I'm special or entitled, I deserve it as anyone trying to be a good person does. I forgot that I could be a good person for a while, but now I'd like to say I'm trying to be one now.
Look, I'm just trying to move on. I'm not trying to bear a grudge to anyone nor do I wish ill will on anyone. I don't feel anything toward my ex more than I do any living human being, but that's all and I do mean any human being; that includes the ones I disagree or don't get along with. I don't wish to see any human have a bad existence let alone be the cause of it. I hope everyone's lives get better as a whole, including my ex. But she gets no special consideration, no leeway, and no more time. The pile she left behind is forfeit, and is mine to do with as I will. With this act, I cast out the last of the ghosts of times past and make way for the spirit of the future; let it now be done.
And for the future: I only hope that we can all move forward in life, both in personal goals and as a species. The petty squabbles of the past and present will fade away; like a salmon swimming upstream, life will improve simply because it must. Call it God, Fate, Karma, or even Fred, whatever that great universal force is called it is one of positive energy constantly moving forward, upward, and outward. I'm trying to tap into that a little for my own life and I encourage others to do the same. I won't know if I have until well down the line, but I'm sure the ride will continue to be interesting in the meantime.
"Time keeps on slippin'.......into the future....."
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