And yes, I'm still here!

I can't believe I let this sit for so long.  I was going to be more regular than this.  As usual, life gets in the way.  So what's changed in a year?

For starters, I've been on HRT for 10 months and it's definitely had good physical effects.  My body looks more female-shaped day by day and I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin.  It isn't without it's drawbacks, however.  My emotions, while still stable, now have the ability to fly higher or sink lower than before.  I'm still learning to deal with it, but I think it's getting better.

I'm still unemployed and I haven't received UI since the end of April, so for how tight money was it's tighter now.  It also means I have to do something I've never been comfortable with: depend on others for help.  I still can't get over the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame that come from needing to ask for help of any kind.  I feel like I should be able to support myself at least a little, but at this point I just have to try not to feel like an incredible mooch every time. 

It's not that I haven't tried to get a job, mind you.  On the contrary, I've had some good interviews over the past months and, if not for a blown drug test, I'd have a job making light fixtures.  By the way, the cleaner kits don't work folks; it's a scam.  You're better off quitting and chugging naught but water and cranberry or orange juice in the week before testing.  I spent $50 of the last of my money trying to get this job to no avail.

Now you'd think I'd have quit smoking because of this, but no.  I realize that I'm addicted and that changes how I deal with it.  Sadly, the realization of my addiction didn't come from failing a test.  Instead, it was when it was revealed that I'd been stealing it from someone who I've only know for a few weeks and in that time has given me almost anything I've asked for.  I can't make excuses anymore; I'm addicted and I have to work with that.

As you may have guessed, I write this from a place of low feelings.  I'm less than a month away from turning 29 and what do I have to show for my life?  Yes, there are good things in my life, but it's the lack of progress that gets to me most of all.  I'm still trying to scratch out a living and having less success than previously.  I'm still trying to find my niche in life.  I'm still unsure of myself in public.  Oh, and I'm still not divorced.  I've had the paperwork for over a year, but the fear of what my ex will do paralyzes me.  In all, I feel stuck and sad for it, which in turn makes me more stuck.

Many of you who read this are friends of mine.  I hope you realize that I'm not trying to ignore any one you; I just don't feel up to/worthy of hanging out or doing things.  I'm broke all of the time and I feel like I can't give input to activities because of it.  Also, having my phone shut off due to non-payment makes it that much harder to contact me or for me to contact you.  I do miss you all terribly, but I don't have the strength to tell you directly.

I'm still hopeful for the future, but the things I hope for are getting smaller.   At this point, just having a stable source of income would be nice.  I'm willing to work for it, but I refuse to compromise myself again; I did too much of that for other jobs and other people to ever want to do it again.  This might mean I'm a bit pickier in my job search, but I do still apply for a wide range of jobs.

I should wrap this up now, but I'm not sure how to close here.  In fact, I think I'd rather leave it open ended; maybe that way some good can find its way in somehow.  Until next time.....